Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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