You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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