Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
