A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So many bounce houses so little time
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
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