farters have to be the big spoon...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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