so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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