i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
