Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
