I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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