Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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