I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
