we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
