Your mouth is God's brothel.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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