Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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