the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize