so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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