He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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