i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
