I seem to have left my pride at pride
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
