Umm I'm too high to move.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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