I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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