I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
