just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
