Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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