I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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