Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
