Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Enjoy the penises
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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