I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
