can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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