my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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