True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
