He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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