Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
