So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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