Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
