no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
