It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
