Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
