I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
