I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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