FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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