I accidentally had phone sex last night
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
