apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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