Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize