My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
