Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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