Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
