I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
