Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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