She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
