I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
