I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
