I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
