well I can't set my house on fire every night
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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