margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My feet surprised me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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