I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I understand Curling. That high.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
