if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
