Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
