hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
