I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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