my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
