the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
