wanna go halves on a baby?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
