So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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