Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
