Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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