i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
