Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
